By Janine Milliken
As a Zimbo living in my lovely country, Zimbabwe, we have a daily struggle to just survive through each day. It can be funny at times, it’s better to laugh than cry.
Right, I refuse to moan about my every day circumstances as I am tired of the moaning and would like to laugh. So let’s look at our situation and let’s find something funny in it.
I have decided as a Zimbabwean we should walk around with ‘survivor packs’. The pack will contain a candle, matches, toilet paper, plasters, a sewing kit, water (if you have),wet wipes, a carrot and a long straw. The sewing kit is for our new lean bodies as we have to make our clothes smaller, the wet wipes are for wiping the sweat off our brow, the plasters are for blisters as we walk around town, the carrot is for our eyes to see in the dark and the straw is to put over someone's gate (who has water) and suck like mad to steal some.
We are to all buy large straw hats like the Chinese, to keep the sun off our faces while we grow our own food. Due to us munching carrots we will start seeing in the dark as we must accept we will never have power again. Refrain from moving furniture around in your house during the day so that when you walk around at night you will not stub toes. We need to go back to pen and paper and start writing things down again, cursive writing will be brought back into the school curriculum. We are to start listening to the stories our grandparents tell us, so that we can learn from them and find out how they survived with no cellphones, computers, cars, fuel, food or electricity. Instead of evolving we are to de-evolve and adapt to our new environment.
Neighborhoods should have nightly meetings in the middle of the road at night so they actually get to know each other and help one another, where they can. The roads are empty, so having a meeting on a road is very safe right now. We have to start the bartering system again and if one of us has power, we are all invited to that house for a party where we wash clothes, iron them, watch a tv series that we all agree on and vacuum that person’s house. Should I be the one with power I expect everyone to come to my house and make themselves at home and use all my electrical appliances just because we can. Bread makers will be plugged in, as well as kettles, the oven on and the TV blasting in the background. They will be called ‘Power parties” and everyone on the street is invited.
I have lots of sugar so that will be my bartering power for the time being. Should you have petrol you will be the king of the road and will be treated as royalty and we will all refer to the petrol gods as ‘sir’. We can also have a ‘plug in’ party where everyone brings their phones, laptops, tablets etc to be plugged in and charged for another day. As I am a psychologist I shall listen to everyone’s problems and they will pay me with petrol as I do not feel like getting my fat ass onto a bicycle just yet!
My nike takkies and my designer gym wear is out of storage and ready to be used, should the need arise or I might jump next door and pinch a horse! Electric gates are no more, they were a brilliant invention and I enjoyed them while they worked, however we have to have manual gates now. I know this may be traumatic for everyone to take in and is a very real problem to open your own gate. So I will leave that there for you to think about and hopefully eventually accept.
We will have to find a river where we can go and fetch our water in pots and take our laundry to the river to wash it. We are unable to iron our clothes so will have to lie them flat before they dry and walk around with wrinkled clothes, which can now become a new fashion trend.
We no longer need fancy cars and will have to resort to outdoing each other with our fancy bicycles and helmets. Keeping up with the ‘Jones’ involves having the best bicycle and the most fancy helmet. We no longer need our TVs so we can bury them now along with our decoders, laptops, tablets. We will resort to reading a book the old fashioned way. In the old days a book was printed on paper, bound and then sold to the public. Once you have read a page you are required to turn the page yourself. I know that some of us do not know this so I can hold workshops on how this is done.
Due to the Zimbabwe circumstances the best news is that we have managed to export our hardened criminals to other parts of the world. The mafia will have to move as well as money laundering is no longer an option.
There will be a street meeting tonight where I will give a live demonstration of how to read a paper book, should anyone be interested. I will be in my designer gym gear, (I have never worn) and my new nike takkies that are not for use in mud.
May the power be with you.......