By Janine Milliken

I am currently having a panic attack, trying to breath slowly and resisting the urge to run out the gate and go missing for a couple of months. I am sure it is menopause that is currently bringing me to my knees, but knees is a good place to be as I can pray while I am down. However, I am so old that once on my knees I cannot get back up.

My mom and I are having a good laugh because her friends are taking her away for a weekend. My mom snores as loud as a hippo and she is sharing a room. So either she does not sleep or her friend does not sleep. I told her to go sleep in the bath. I know that my friends say its ok for me to snore, but when they are actually face to face with my snoring, it’s not a good ending.

As I have told you, my sister and her boys will never take me away on another weekend to Nyanga as I kept all 4 of them awake with my snoring, talking and sleep walking. Which is where the parrot comes in now as they take the parrot with them rather than me. Apparently the parrot does not snore! So I am devising a plan to start teaching the parrot to swear so that the parrot is put into the bad books as well and they might tolerate me again for a camping trip.

I have to admit I am hard to live with as I require a hairdryer, shampoo, conditioner, bath, hot water and many more luxuries not available on camping trips. I am my own worst enemy and a bit of a diva with a mouth that does not shut up. I can see why I am banned from camping trips and maybe throwing my breakfast onto the daisy bush did not help my cause. My nephew suggested I have my own tent, which, during the night they will move onto a boat and I will float out to sea. So now I am too scared to sleep with them around as I will not know where I will wake up. My first assignment is to get the parrot talking ‘my’ language and maybe it will disgrace itself. How can a grown woman be in competition with a parrot?

I work at a vet now on Saturdays and they have a goose called Albert. Now Albert loves me and will not leave me alone. Albert stands on my shoes and bites me, he follows me around and thinks I am his friend. I have to say he is cute and might kidnap him if I get the opportunity. When I go outside to smoke I have to take all my stompies back inside with me as I do not want Albert smoking as well.

My first Saturday of working at the vet left me a bit discombobulated. It was like a train station and I had no idea what I was doing or saying. Eventually I made the clients tea and managed to catch my breath while I messed up all the cash, cash flow sheet and at times forgot where I was. However, my number one fan, the goose, was by my side the whole time cheering me on and thought I was great. So when in doubt, make tea, take a breath and speak to a goose.

I have started my recovery back into life by working for a vet and having a goose as my support. I am blessed to have found a job that I enjoy, especially the animals that come in. I usually try steal the puppies but the owners are hot on my heels. I love the interaction I have with the clients who bring their dogs in, and I seem to talk to everyone and they are probably thinking this poor lady has no one at home to talk to. Which is half true. lol

I have managed to get out of bed this morning, although yesterday I went to see my Doctor in my onesie, looking like a teletubby. Although my Doctor knows me and says nothing when I crawl into his office for my pain injection. I constantly surprise the people at the doctor’s office as they never know what I will look like, or be dressed in, when I come for my injection.

I am currently finding my nike takkies and getting them ready for me walking, running or cycling. I will not be defeated and there is always another plan to be made. Which is either a weakness or a strength of Zimbos, I have not figured out which one yet. Either way we will all slim down and look good.

So I am dressed today and ready for another day of battles, although we may lose the battles we will not lose the war. The amount of praying I have done, God should be impressed with although I do moan a lot. I could go to Dubai and live a better life, but where would be the fun in that? I love facing a day where everything goes wrong and it keeps me on my toes. Maybe all Zimbos are adrenaline junkies and enjoy the daily battles we face of surviving, or celebrating because today we got to work with petrol – but let’s see what tomorrow brings?

Anyway just a side note here. I actually do not like camping so the fact I am banned is ok with me. I do require a hairdryer, lots of make-up, time fixing my mop on my head and getting perfectly dressed. This beauty does not just happen lol…. It takes electricity, money and time for me to look half decent. However, I am expiring soon, so trying to work on my personality right now.

I think I will go for a massage now and bury myself further into the sand and think what a wonderful life I have.

My dad has also talked us all to death this week. When he thinks, he thinks out loud. So my mom and I have to listen to all his schemes. I have asked my dad to please stop thinking otherwise the dart gun will come out and I will not miss. So no one in this house is allowed to think, otherwise we all get our knickers (if we wearing them) into a knot and I end up having panic attacks.

It is now July 2019, I cannot believe how fast this year has gone. I am looking for Christmas presents because I will blink and it will be Christmas again. I have to find money first, then petrol, then go buy the presents that my nephews want. I am the worst shopper for my nephews as I have no idea what they are talking about with regards to computer bits and bobs and always manage to get the wrong one, ending up in me buying two things for them. One the wrong one and one the right one!

Well it’s a beautiful day today, so that’s a blessing. I am alive and have a loving family that support me in every way – another huge blessing. I am blessed.

I would like the opinions of the Zimbo readers as to whether I should open up a group on FB for Zim humour. Instead of moaning all the time, we can make jokes and actually laugh rather than cry. I do have a unique sense of humour and wonder if I should subject the public to it. Well I will try and see how it goes. We need a laugh, we need to keep happy, remember the situation is temporary and we will get through it.

I must add here that my mom drove me to the Doctor yesterday. I noticed the road was so quiet. I said this out loud to my mom and she replied that I had not looked behind us. My mom had caused a huge traffic jam behind her, as she was driving 40km/hr and everyone was stuck behind us. I quietly slipped to the floor and stayed there until we got home! How embarrassing!


Me and my goose

Beautifully Broken
by Janine Milliken
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