By Janine Milliken

We had a family braai at my house yesterday, which was great fun and great humour. However it started with us collecting twigs around the garden, as I went up to the one side of my tree I saw a ghost (yes I see dead people) and I nearly sh** myself. So I told my nephew to go there instead without telling him what I saw. That is the reason I have about 100 crosses hanging in my house.

The food we ate was lovely and then we ended it with watching Survivor. There is a huge fan in the family who wants everyone to watch Survivor and we all have to remain silent. This is a very hard task for our family and it usually ends up with us whispering (which we cannot do), laughing, throwing things around the lounge, sticking pillows in our mouths so we do not laugh and annoying this Survivor Fan. I have suggested to the Survivor Fan he go and google what happens at the end of Survivor and saves us all having to behave ourselves for an hour for the next 4 weeks, because apparently it is impossible in this family.

I think the whole family has ADHD and none of us can sit still for very long. This may explain our poor marks at school. I have to say we are all very clever but we just hide it better than others and prefer to surprise strangers with our knowledge.

Our twisted sense of humour has been passed down to the nephews and when I had walked into the shelf (with my head) and had blood everywhere, my one nephew just walked away saying, ‘how did you not see that shelf?’ No sympathy was given, he just wanted to know how I had managed to walk into it…… now this nephew is the one with bare patches on his skull from falling backwards off slides, roller blades and beds. At least I showed him sympathy and cleaned him up, but apparently he will not reciprocate.

When my nephew had his first car accident, I jumped out of a moving car to go and check if he was ok. I checked every spot on him, then ran around the car in shock, then wanted to go punch the other driver which by that time my sister had pinned me on the ground. I was screaming and crying and so was being a drama queen again. This nephew has asked I do not attend any more accidents, should he have them.

This same nephew had a motor bike accident which involved me jumping out a moving car, again. Running into the trauma centre, shouting for him. When I found him, I collapsed on him crying. Again my sister was close behind me and had to take me to another room to calm me down.

So this same nephew had to spraypaint a room, however he inhaled the fumes and got high. Without knowing what he was doing he was running around the house screaming, then lying on the ground and screaming some more. He was with friends who took him to the trauma centre. When he arrived the friends asked if they could phone his family. My nephew said, ‘DO NOT PHONE my mom, gran or my aunty, THEY ARE USELESS.’ So we found out about this after the event and were most offended he did not want us there.

I suppose I should learn to control my emotions or overreacting to a situation a bit better as I seem to be embarrassing my nephews. They have already refused to go underpants shopping with me because I embarrassed my middle nephew as I was shouting out his size to the whole shop. You see usually I shop with my mom and when we buying panties we take them out the packet, look at them, check to see if they fit and have a good talk about them. Well obviously boys do not do that. How would I know?

I forget they teenagers and I am 45 now, I had a daughter I used to shop with and do the same and it did not bother her. My son never shopped with me as he was usually hanging from the ceiling fan.

My one nephew has a ‘friend girl’ now which we are not allowed to ask about and not allowed to meet. We have been shown photos and I always say, ‘oh she looks just like me’ which is met with eyes being rolled and a sigh and always a comment about do I know how old I am.

I have to say my nephews are absolutely lovely, very well mannered, got good ethics and values and yes, I will take the credit for that – thanks. I spent enough time chasing them around the garden with a slop, so I deserve some credit for good behavior.

Anyway I am still banned from going away for the weekend with them. The parrot is now the new favourite person as it does not talk, eat the hamburger rolls, snore or sing with its legs in the air. I am dying to babysit this parrot for a weekend, teach it to shout all day, snore at night, sing at the radio and swear all day. Mr Chewy parrot I am coming for you………..


Parrot vs Aunty

Beautifully Broken
by Janine Milliken
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