By Janine Milliken

So I am officially a blogger now and nothing is stopping the stories pouring out of me to entertain my readers. I hope you all enjoy my weirdness and twisted sense of humour.

I have to say our family is still in the business of collecting ashes and sticking them in my aunt's cupboards, then everyone avoids the cupboard and we never mention the cupboard again. Unless someone else goes to heaven, then the cupboard is opened and a stock take is taken and then the cupboard is closed again. I have to mention that my cousin’s dog’s ashes is in the cupboard.

I go to my Doctor in the mornings for my daily pain injection. I think my dad should be having the pain injection as he can hardly walk into the Doctor’s office because of all his aches and pains from his cricket days. I know these sports are good for the mind, but when you get older it takes its toll and my dad, who was a bowler now has a sore hip and foot from his bowling days. I have to say his mouth and brain are in top form and he is on the ball at all times. Usually to annoy us. My mom and I ignore him but my nephew cannot ignore him and they end up making sarcastic comments to each other. Which I have to say encourages my dad and makes my nephew more cross. Eventually we had to tell our nephew to ignore Pa like we ignore him and Pa will go away.

My cousin is getting married soon and has had to make a board of remembrance for all family members in heaven. She sent me a text the other day asking if she had remembered everyone? The board is rather large and hopefully nobody gets added between now and September. So could the family please behave themselves and try not to pass over to heaven for a couple of months because we cannot get a larger board.

I was thinking of writing another book but then I said to my mom that it would not have a happy ending…. Yet. I will have to write the next book when I get a happy ending and make everyone feel good or just keep my humour blogs and make everyone laugh instead.

I have a chronic illness, my dad cannot walk as his muscles are sore and my mom has pulled her bum muscle – again. We have stopped moving the furniture around as all of us are unable to move the next day. I am not that old, which worries me more than the other two old people in this house.

Some days I hate sleeping in my room on my own as my mind is my worst enemy at night. So I come over to the folk’s cottage with my pillows, duvet and two dogs. Needless to say there is total chaos. My bed is made on the floor with about 100 cushions. I have to say that despite the number of cushions under me I always wake up in the morning, off the cushions, under their desk wondering where I am. I have hit my head many times on their chest of drawers and seem to use the whole floor space as my bed.

Yesterday I managed to walk into a shelf, which is very big and can be seen from space. I made a huge hole in my head and there was blood everywhere. We all know head wounds bleed badly and look worse than what they really are. We had to spend about an hour cleaning the blood just to find this small dent in my skin, which I was so underwhelmed with as the blood made me looked like an ax had been put through my head. No stitches were needed, but my brain rolled out my ears and I am yet to find it. My nephew just had to add that he has no idea how I hit my head as the shelf is so big, so visible and its way out of the way…… so how did I do it? I have no idea. My nephew offered me no help as he is used to this happening all the time and just sighs and walks away. I think I saw stars for about an hour afterwards.

It is now winter and I am freezing. I thought about becoming a duck as they fly away for the winter. So maybe I should fly to Dubai for the Harare winter and fly back when it is warmer. I think a duck’s life might just suit me for the time being and I can stick my head in the water when I want to hide from my adult responsibilities.

My mom has just opened her chest of drawers and says out loud, ‘what are you doing in my drawer?’ I looked at her and said, ‘I am not in your drawer’. To which she said she was talking to her t/shirt which should go into another drawer. Well, how should I know you talk to your t/shirts when they in the wrong drawer?

So as it stands in my family right now, we have a cupboard full of ashes. A remembrance board going up at my cousin’s wedding. We ignore the ashes and I hope I do not trip over the board at the wedding, if I managed to spike my head on a shelf anything is possible right now. Do not let me near the ashes cupboard as I might end up sniffing them in despair.

I might just leave my brain where it is as it did not work anyway………………….

1 Comment

1 Wedding and 10 Funerals

Beautifully Broken
by Janine Milliken
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This is so funny! I missed reading your posts! DON'T behave yourself at the wedding and I expect to hear all about the shenanigans you get up to!
William Du Plooy
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