By Janine Milliken

Despite my illness and pain I managed to get out this weekend and had fun with some friends. It really does help the depression when you can go out and have a laugh with your girlfriends. I have not been out for a while so I think I talked everyone to death and they may carry a muzzle with them now to shut me up or lock me in their cupboard. I have to say I even out-talked myself and on Sunday I slept all day and gave my mouth a good rest. Sorry to all my friends who had to put up with the non-stop blabbing but I do not get out much. At one point, my friends had to intervene and tell me to just stop talking for 5 minutes and breathe. I love honest friends.

I forgot they had no power so I was charging my phone all afternoon and wondered why the battery was still going down. My one girlfriend banned me from driving as she said I drove too fast and had made her car sick. So she took over the driving, although to be fair, I did get lost and forgot where I was going. I did not realize I was driving fast as I am used to that speed, after all drag racing and all that runs in the family.

I spent an hour on the road, Harare drive, on Saturday – praying for our country and our people. I have to say many people joined us and it was a great success. I enjoyed the support we got from passing cars with them hooting and waving. It was a great time of connecting with like-minded people who are willing to fight for their country on their knees. My husband thinks I am mad and so do many other people. I know one person who refers to me as ‘the crazy lady’, and he will not change his mind despite me trying to act normal. Anyway I will accept that label and carry on with my life. When my funeral comes I want people to stand up and they can all laugh about my shenanigans.

I do want to carry on spreading the love as love is the only thing that I can carry through to Heaven. So even if you do not like me I will still give you God’s love and hope that when we reconnect in heaven you will understand my craziness, after all God made me like this. I thank God for making me with such a good sense of humour, I do not hold grudges and I love to spread the love to everyone. It is important for me to treat everyone with respect as everyone is going through a painful circumstance and it is important not to judge others as we do not know the path they walk. No pain is worse than the other, every pain is just different.

I used to be a practicing psychologist until I got so traumatized by my clients that I had to stop. I am now unable to practice my degree as I am too sensitive to others pain and tend to take it on myself. So I do spend a lot of time at home, writing my blogs and keeping myself busy as well as helping my parents, reading, teaching my nephew how to study and other important things in my life. I have a small circle of friends as I like to know the ones who I can trust and I keep it small for my sanity. I do not like drama and will run in the opposite direction if drama comes into my life. My circle is brilliant right now and I get a lot of strength from those in my circle.

I am bipolar, but thankfully have learned to control it and stabilize myself at times. My mom also knows my triggers and will warn me if I am going ‘high’ or ‘low’ and I am thankful for her insight. The other day my sister was here and she could not understand me as I was slurring, despite being completely stable but this slurring happens from my brain injury and I cannot control it. I have to say it is getting worse but I cannot worry about that as God has a plan for me and I am still on earth, so while I am here I will do my duties and learn my lessons.

My one friend, who always checks on where I go out as she worries I will end up in someone’s freezer, cut into pieces because I trust people too much. I do trust too much and expect other’s to be like me, but they are not. I have been hurt by many which is why my circle is small now and it will remain that way till I leave earth.

I must say that lots of people underestimate me and this one person tried to outwit me (be mean) and ridicule me but my brain just sprang into action and this person ended up in their bedroom sulking and then asked me to leave. I will not be someone else’s entertainment and I do not do drama in front of anyone. I will retaliate with my brain power should someone else try bring me down and think they can bully me by playing mind games with me. This person was being horrible for no particular reason. People should not be horrible to one another and should learn to respect others. If you have lots of money, I do not care and that does not make you clever, so they should never bring down the poor. I find the poorer people are the ones with the most precious souls and are the kindest people. They will give you their last dollar and respect you. No-one should look down on another because of their financial status. Always look in someone’s eyes and find their soul, as the eyes are the window to the soul. I see souls I do not see social status, financial status or any status. Do not bring me down so you can feel better about yourself. This person has made me very cross and I need to forgive them for their ignorance and move on.

My dad and I were stopped at a robot and the ‘beggar’ came to our door and I could see he was cold. So I took my jersey off and gave it to him as I had no money. A few weeks later, my dad and I saw this man wearing my jersey and I was so joyful to have been able to have helped in some way, even though I had no money or food to give this man but I could keep him warm. I am not boasting I am trying to convey that there is always something we can do for someone, it does not have to be money or food. Look at the person and see in what way you can make a difference.
The bible story comes to me where the beggar used to sit outside this rich man’s mansion. Everyday this rich man would curse this beggar and belittle him. One day both the beggar and the rich man died. The beggar went to heaven where he had a mansion made of gold and jewels while the rich man went to hell where he was in constant pain. You see this beggar had a heart after God and the rich man thought he could buy his way into any place or situation. However, when the rich man left this earth his earthly riches were left behind. Do not get prideful of your earthly possessions, they will not help you in the end days. Rather invest in relationships, people and love. No-one is a loser, they just learning different lessons to you in life. Be humble, respect others, do not judge and ask God to teach you how to love others with His love.

When I came back from heaven, after I died in the car accident, I saw the world differently. I suddenly saw what was important in life. I used to be one of those mothers who wanted to drive the best car, wear the best gym gear, talk to the ‘in crowd’, and be seen as rich and powerful. After the accident my whole attitude and outlook on life changed. All that was and is important in life is your love for one another, how you treat others with respect and to always stay humble. Learn the lessons God sends you using His strength and courage and persevere till you have finished the race with pride. Go speak to the person who sits on the outside of the crowd, show that little child God’s love, tell someone that they beautiful and build others up. It takes you a couple of seconds to say to someone that they look beautiful today, a total stranger – and do you know how good it makes them feel.

I make a point of doing it all the time. I smile at people who look at me, I speak to little children and tell them how special they are, how pretty they are. If I see someone crying I will go up to them and hug them. They do not need to tell me why they crying but I have a shoulder they can cry on. If you see that broken person in the shop go up and talk to them. I love doing this. I did this to a lady I could see was broken. I walked up to her and asked her what her tattoos stood for, immediately she said that she had just lost her mother. I was able to help her emotionally. I helped her and I helped myself at the same time. I felt better about myself after knowing I had helped her.

I have a friend who never gives up on me. When I am in a depression she comes around to my house and comes and lies in bed with me. We do not have to talk, but her just being there and understanding me and lying with me gives me such comfort. She does not judge me, she just loves me. When I can I do the same to her. I cannot tell you how important it is to have a friend like this in your life. Also she does not give me a solution to my problem, she lies with me and listens. When I was stuck in my house for 4 months, because I could not go out and face people, she would come to me, make the tea, sit with me in silence. She would keep saying to me, ‘Janine I believe in you’. Now I have a soul connection with her and she is definitely my earth angel.

God definitely choose my family wisely and they are absolute superstars to me. They are my rock, my sounding board, my comfort, my voice and my support on my bad days. They encourage me all the time and protect me continuously. Without my family and my small circle of friends, I would be lost. I know God has never forsaken or left me, and I thank Him every day for that promise because I am not a very easy person. I argue with God, ask so many questions, get cross with Him but I continue wrestling with Him, like Jacob did in the desert. I will not give up my wrestling and I will be blessed at the end of the day. My tears will turn to joy and my ashes will turn to beauty. In the meantime God has to put up with my arguments and my continuous wrestling as I am a very stubborn person.

My prayer is God touches you where you are today. I am not preaching to anyone and will not convert anyone to what I believe in. I am giving you an account of my experiences and hope that in some way I can help you along this journey of life on earth, till we reach our destination. God Bless.


Wrestling with God

Beautifully Broken
by Janine Milliken
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