By Janine Milliken

I was having a laugh with my male friend the other day about when my family admitted me to the psychiatric ward and he said that his family just blocked him. I actually admitted myself because I knew I needed help urgently. I made good friends and everyone would call me ‘Sunshine’, as apparently I brightened up their day. They also liked me because I could talk Afrikaans, as my dad is Afrikaans, so I got huge points for that.

It was not hard in the looney bin as I was busy and met fellow like-minded people. Broken people, broken souls and it was a good chance for me to spread the love. Although when they asked what my profession was I used to mumble it as being a psychologist in a looney bin did not give anyone hope of getting better. I have been thinking of going back just to stabilize a bit and get out of this depression I have been in, but it is in Durban and I do not feel like travelling all that way.

In Durban my mom was staying in a hotel with my husband, so they could visit me and bring me my laundry. The hotel room was really tiny and the tv was in the main bedroom, where my husband slept. My mom and husband have no brain for direction so instead of ending up on top of the hill in the middle of Durban, they ended up down at the sea at the docks, which is totally in the opposite direction. My mom got the map and started hitting my husband over the head with it in her panic, my husband trying to be patient was trying to calm my mom down and tell her that it was all under control. Needless to say they were always late for visiting hours. Now when they left after visiting hours it would be dark. I do not know what happened between them and have not asked but am sure there was a lot of swearing going on between them. It was like a movie of survivor, who would make it out the other end alive.

I find Durban is easy to navigate, you have the sea on the one side and the town on the other side. My mom and husband have still not figured this out and keep ending up at the docks, with the map being wrapped around my husband’s head by my mother. My husband was very patient and tried but eventually there was just a full blown fight going on in this little lost car. My husband is also used to driving in Dubai which is on the other side of the road, so between my moms’ upside down directions and my husband trying to remember to drive on the right side of the road I can see why they kept getting lost. Eventually I asked them to get a taxi as they were even getting on my nerves at visiting hours as I had to listen why the map had been torn and what the docks looked like as well as the traffic.

My mom is also not great with her technology so when I was with her, every morning I would take her phone and tune it to the wi-fi. However, my husband is not used to this and would nearly shove my mom’s phone up her bottom every morning. My mom does have an anxiety problem so I was giggling every time I thought of them together. Also my husband goes to bed at 20:00hours and my mom goes to bed at 23:00hours. However, my husband had the room with the tv in, so the tv was switched off at 20:00hours and my mom was taken to her little room to twiddle her thumbs until she fell asleep. I have to say, considering all their quirks, they did both survive, despite saying that that would never happen again in their lifetimes…

So after having a map wrapped his head, my husband thought he should use the GPS on his phone, which was going well until the GPS got them lost as it did not have up to date information on the roads. All I can say is that I think they both needed the looney bin more than I did after my 2 week stay. The hotel room was very small, with one bathroom, so it was a bit too close for those two who are as cheeky and stubborn as each other. I think I married my mom…….. lol Did I mention my mom was reading the map upside down?

So survivor Durban ended up with me being saner than my husband and mom. My husband went home to Dubai with a big smile on his face and my mom went home to Zimbabwe swearing she would never be left alone with my husband again. Whenever those two get together it is literally an episode of Survivor and I sit back and watch the entertainment. They do love each other and laugh about it afterwards but my goodness they even fight about how many chocolates each ate and who holds the maltesers bag.

Now that my bible reading (at the Church) slots are over I can relax but my mother had to read this morning at 0800hours and yes she woke us up at 0515hours to get ready. Needless to say it was freezing and we got her to the church at 0630hours. I moaned under my breath about how cold it was and my poor nephew was the driver, who drove his granny to the church in his pjs. Now that’s love.

I have been sleeping in my mom and dad’s cottage as the nights are very lonely on your own, so I do it for the company. However, we all snore and so it is the person who gets to sleep first that gets a good night’s sleep and then the rest of us have to listen to them snoring. I cannot complain because my snoring is epic and will be entered into the Guinness Book of World Records for the loudest, most persistent and longest snore recorded ever in the history of man. My dad very casually said yesterday, ‘but I cannot believe that anyone can snore for that long, that loud.’ Yes, it is a mystery even to me.

I was at the Doctor this morning and we always struggle to find my veins for my pain injection. My veins are very fine and snake all over the place. I blurted out, ‘oh everything about me is small’……. I thought about what I said and then added, ‘ok maybe not my mouth.’ The Doctor did not agree or disagree with me? Hmmmmmmm………. Although the Doctor tries to confuse me using long medical words except I have studied the body and brain. So when he mentioned one vein, I looked at him and said, ‘um no I don’t have that.’ He looked at me with astonishment and vowed to never test me again.

When my husband visits home, the remote gets taken over by the husband and I end up watching movies I have seen 20 times already that I can recite the words, when did my husband become a child? Lol I remember doing this with Barney the Dinosaur 20 years ago, now I am watching Predator, Cowboys and Aliens, Good Morning Vietnam, Terminator etc……. Every time we watch another movie we have seen many times, I always turn to my husband and say, ‘hate to ruin this for you but this guy gets killed and that guy wins’ – ever so hopeful he will get the ‘hint’ and change the movie. I also got so cross the one time I threatened to smother him with my pillow (think I have told you readers this one before), he was horrified that I could make a pillow a weapon and that my brain thought in that direction.

One time he took me to trauma centre, he called my dad to come take over. My dad did and we found my husband at home watching the rugby! I had to laugh, it actually was funny. Oh he also watches the Rugby live then the highlights just in case he missed something, even though we can rewind live tv, just saying! I have to confess that when my husband and I fight, I hide the remote and sit with amusement as he searches the room for it, but he will not ask me as we fighting – or I take the batteries out. Oh dear, I think I am the monster in this relationship lol…….. or I just have a sense of humour, maybe a fine line there?

Yes there’s a fine line between being a genius and being insane………… I jump that line often .....................


Looney Bin

Beautifully Broken
by Janine Milliken
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