By Janine Milliken

I had a lovely Sunday with my family, being my sister and her boys and my parents. We sat outside in the lovely sun and had so many laughs that our tummies hurt.

The boys then played tennis on my court, which I have not used for years. I love the fact they use my tennis court as I did it have it made for my daughter, who was a brilliant tennis player, but since she went to heaven I have not been able to use the court without getting too emotional.

I am unable to play tennis, I used to be a pro at school and win the tournaments but since the accident my depth perception has deteriorated and so I am unable to play tennis or any ball games. The boys do find this hilarious but at the same time do not want to play with me because I play like a banana and they actually want some competition when playing tennis.

I am able to laugh at myself which is brilliant and I make the most of acting like a clown so that gives everyone a good laugh. Yesterday my brain filter was definitely out of action and let’s just say that it’s a good thing my nephews are all over 20 years old, although I did learn some new swear words from them yesterday. Which I will quietly go and teach their law abiding parrot!

The parrot and I are now fighting for attention, unfortunately the parrot is cuter than me so I think I will lose this war. The parrot also has manners, keeps quiet and acts cute all day, something I cannot compete with right now. So I guess the parrot is the new flavor for the family and aunty will forever be second to the parrot. I have to say the parrot is cute and when we phone my sister the parrot will shout until she gives the parrot the phone and we say ‘hello’ to him. Only then does he settle down as he is satisfied we have talked to him and included him in the conversation.

On arrival at my sister’s house, the parrot will shout, ‘hello how u?’ and if we do not answer he will repeat his question until we actually go to him and tell him that we are all fine. Being a parrot you would think he would like tree branches in his cage, but when we put a branch in his cage he refused to go into his cage and was traumatized by this thing in his cage. As usual, I think we get all the mad pets who have an identity crises. I do not know what the parrot thinks it is but it does not know it’s a parrot.

The parrot insists he has company all day and when everyone goes to work, my sister’s maid has to keep the parrot company. When my sister goes on holiday the parrot is given to a friend who babysits the parrot and he is put in the ‘non swearing’ room, but watch this space as I am going to teach the parrot some of my own words so he will have to be moved to the ‘swearing’ room.

We all came up with an idea yesterday where each family member has their own swear jar and we have to put money into it every time we swear. As we will all have our own jars we will see who swears the most. We have already decided this will be my ‘bible study’ mom who uses the sh** word a bit too much. Of course the parrot, who is the baby of the family, will not need his jar – that is until I get my hands on him and start teaching him a few tricks. I am actually banned from the parrot as my sister found out my scheming ways and the parrot will be hidden from me when I visit.

Sometimes I sleep in my mom and dad’s cottage, when I am really sick. My mom and I have this habit of walking around in the dark at exactly the same time and walk into other. The first words out of both of our mouths is ‘oh sh**, you pr**’. My dad lies in bed and thinks ‘oh there they go again’.

My sister also works at a vet where there is a goose called Albert. Now Albert doesn’t make friends very easily but loves my sister. I have the same voice as my sister, so when I talk to Albert he comes up to me to be stroked, then looks at me as if to say ‘you not Shelley’. However, Albert and I are good friends now and he comes into the reception area to spend time with us and talk to us, leaving his girlfriend outside shouting at him. I have had to pick up all my ‘stompy’ cigarettes in case Albert decides to take up smoking, as well. I have tried to pinch many dogs from the their owners, but their owners are in love with their animals and so far I have brought no new dogs home, but not through lack of trying.

I have investigated the vet’s medicine room and found nothing of interest to me, although if I had I would have bribed the vet to prescribe it for my dog and then I would have taken the ‘dog pills’ for myself. As I have already told you we had to put my daxies on tranquilizers because of their anger issues, but it did not help and I still have scars on my nose and bottom to prove it. Having a dog hanging from your nose is quite painful and I hope my nose did not grow an extra centimeter because of this. I already have a big nose, thanks to my Jewish roots, so anything that shrinks a nose would be welcome in my house, although surgery is not an option.

So in conclusion I have learnt new swear words from my nephews, the parrot is going to be taught these words and hopefully I can get the parrot to sit on a tree branch without it thinking it’s a monster from the depths of hell come to kill it………. I think the parrot is a drama queen!


Parrots, geese and Aunty

Beautifully Broken
by Janine Milliken
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