By Janine Milliken

Yesterday my nephews had a good laugh at my lack of filters when I talk and the loudness of my voice – again. They think I am very funny but not funny enough for them to shop with me or be seen out with me – ever. They even asked my Doctor to give me a hearing test to see if my ears worked – they work perfectly, as well as the mouth.

My one nephew was using some medication for a bee sting, so I took the medication and applied it to my lip where I have a cold sore. Oh my goodness, the commotion that came afterwards was almost ‘Oscar’ material. My nephew refused to use the medication again as it had touched my lip and now he would get whatever I had. I forgot about this child because while growing up I took a lick of his ice cream and he refused to eat it. He was still little and I have no idea where this phobia comes from. We actually deliberately annoy him now and always stick our finger in his food or take sips of his drink. However, yesterday after using ‘his’ medication I had to get an anti-bacterial wet wipe and almost wash the bottle 100 times before he would even touch it again.

My husband has the same phobia and so to annoy him I always make sure I use his toothbrush in the mornings. He gets really annoyed and proceeds to sterilize his toothbrush before he uses it. Maybe one day, without him knowing, I should use it to clean the toilet. As I have no problem sharing anything I cannot understand this quirk, but maybe I should be more thoughtful at times.

Anyway the conclusion of the conversation yesterday was that no-one was going to go shopping with me again and I should be left at home where I can be my ‘clown’ self, talk in a loud voice, say whatever comes to my mind and sing on my own. I posted a video on facebook of a girl dancing around the shop with a hat on – all my friends replied and said that was ‘so me’. I was so happy that they actually knew me that well. I have been known to put a mop on my head in a shop as well – I have photographic proof. This was purely to embarrass my three teenage nephews and it worked like a charm. So I am now a ‘lone’ shopper and will have to do all my embarrassing things on my own.

My mom still has the courage to shop with me and just ignores me now and keeps walking. Although this morning my mom did not want to go to the Chemist on her own, so in total desperation she took me. I looked like a homeless person, I had not brushed my hair, was in my pyjamas and had no shoes on. On arriving at the chemist (they all know me), I told them I was homeless and could they find me a husband who could buy me shoes as well as wanting to take on an old lady – I am 45 after all. The assistant behind the counter assured me he would find someone and continued to giggle behind the counter. I also told the Pharmacist to stop hiring young pretty woman, as this would lessen my chances of finding a husband as the ‘new blood’ would be chosen before me, the cougar homeless woman.

My nephews came around yesterday afternoon, to see their Pa who has pulled a muscle in his hip and their gran who has pulled a muscle in her bum. I am the current nurse. Anyway, my nephews proceeded to tell me that they are never taking me away for a weekend again as I totally annoyed them. I also lay on the back seat for 2 hours singing every song that came on the ipod and made up my own words. They said that they had no peace and quiet and were very relieved to throw me out the car when they got me home. Even though I promise to speak lower, count to 10 before I talk and not to sing they will still not take me out on a weekend away.
I also promised I would hire my own cabin which came with a hairdryer, brush, shower cap, soap, shampoo and sewing kit. This still did not change their mind on taking me for an outing.

In desperation I started to bribe them and said if I paid for a 5 star hotel, would they come? The answer was still a definite ‘no’. I was now all out of bribes and ideas and have to accept my fate that I am the granny that gets stuck at home on her own.

The subject of girlfriends was brought up, but again I was told that I would be the last person to meet their girlfriend – maybe at the wedding. Well what they do not know is that when the baby arrives they will be more than happy to have me babysit! Aha I will leave that as the trump card!

On the way to our bush cabin about a month ago, I managed to eat all the food in the back. Kyle kept on shouting, ‘that is our food for the weekend’, to which I would reply *crunch munch* ‘oh’ and carried on eating. On arrival at our cabin I did not eat for the rest of the weekend as I had eaten all of Friday, there was little to unpack because I had eaten it and I think everyone should be thankful for that. My middle nephew can act like a woman at times and was fussing about the missing hamburger rolls and where were we going to put the hamburgers when they were cooked. A plan was made and the disaster was averted, although I was still moaned at.

The cards were brought out that night and we were taught how to play poker. After about half an hour of this I was bored, so I packed up and walked off, forgetting I was the banker. So everyone had to stop playing as well. My middle nephew Kyle and I are so alike in character that we just annoy each other all the time but we also have a lot of fun, however he told me he did not have fun as I just annoyed him. Totally grumped out, I went to my bedroom to think about my behavior and tried to come up with solutions. All my solutions were met with a ‘no’, ‘nope that won’t work’ and ‘no you not coming with us again.’ Which is all ok because I have my own car and I can follow them should I feel like having a weekend away of marshmallows, hot chocolate and hamburger rolls – as well as finding the first aid box and rummaging through it looking for anything exciting.

When the toilet paper ran out I was somehow blamed for that, do not know how as 5 of us were using the toilet. When the hot water tap got an air lock in it, I was blamed although I fixed it by blowing up it – no one thanked me for that. Maybe it was the continual singing in the car for 3 hours that finally did their heads in, with me reaching all the high notes?

I am totally grumped out now and will have to let them have some space away from me so that they realize what they are missing and in addition to that they will have nothing to laugh about, no-one to shout at and no-one to blame. I will also have no-one telling me where to do a no. 1 – like not in the bush – also I can sing as loud as I want, eat all the hamburger rolls as well as the hamburgers and raid the first aid box with no-one knowing, and when I walk sideways I’ll say I’m pretending to be a crab today.

As I am writing this my dad is still sore with his hip and the dogs have found their little space under the duvet to get warm. My mom is sleeping on the couch and I am trying very hard to keep quiet and not bang doors or wee in the toilet in case I wake up the sleeping household. Lucky for them, I am a very heavy sleeper, so the house can fall down before I wake up. I have taken to sleeping in my mom and dad’s cottage as I am not enjoying my own company right now and 17:00 hours is the worst time of the day to feel sorry for yourself. So I sit on my newly appointed bed, eat their food, drink their drinks, get up every 5 minutes for the toilet – the whole time the little idiot dogs are growling as they want me to settle down somewhere, anywhere. So now this is our new routine, to sleep with the folks and annoy them. They have told me that they can hear me snoring over their tv and the other night I had a full conversation with an invisible person and I have been known to run in my sleep as well – luckily lying down as I run.

I hear nothing all night. My mom does not sleep that well as she can hear me snoring, the dogs growling, then my toilet break, then for some reason I have to walk over to my room to fetch something I have left and finally back in my bed where the dogs start fighting again. Kyle also just had to add that no-one can sleep with me as I also kick in my sleep, slap you, take all the duvet and end up with my head at the bottom of the bed. I am so surprised that I actually sleep during the night and am thankful that I am oblivious to my nightly annoyances.

So here I sit, alone at the computer, my family has abandoned me until they need the credit card – which won’t be long. I will go settle in my second room in the cottage as I do not like total silence in my house, although my ghost does provide some entertainment every now and again when he slams doors – but I am used to him now, so it is just more annoying than anything else.

My Doctor told me that he had no electricity or water at his house. I kindly offered my newly renovated, massive shower to his family, to which he replied, ‘no thanks, you have a ghost.’ I was like, 'but hell shower is so big you can have a rave party in it', and the reply was still a very stern, ‘no’.
Ok, I will keep my mouth shut now, count to 10 before I say anything, lower my voice, stop trying to find a boyfriend who will buy me shoes and stop singing for three hours in a car using the wrong words. Oh and by the way my music is too ‘heavy’ for the boys as it is ‘heavy metal’ and oh the drama when I play Metallica.

Oh I have to mention the parrot was chosen as the guest on the last camping trip over me and so my mission will be to teach the parrot some swear words so he will not be welcome in big gatherings.

By the way my family have been threatened with death or secrets leaking out if they do not comment or rate my blogs. After all what is family for.........


Aunty Banned

Beautifully Broken
by Janine Milliken
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