By Janine Milliken
My brain has literally not woken up this week. I have been running on half power. I needed to get to my favorite Dr. for a check-up. I fell into my car, my dad was driving and I suddenly saw my clothes were on inside out. Well no problem, I undressed in the car, bottom hanging out the window and got myself towards myself and put my clothes on properly. The whole time I am doing this my dad is saying ‘everyone can see you’ and ‘I hope google earth can’t see us’. I was unaware of everything and quite frankly did not care if google photographed my bottom. It would be more embarrassing if I arrived at my Doctor all inside out. My dad may go into hiding for a bit while he thinks the SWAT team is after him as they may have the impression that my dad has kidnapped me.
I also went underwear shopping with my nephews. They needed underpants, not me. I have totally forgotten what I was like as a teenager, so I really embarrassed them and now no-one will shop with me. I took the underpants out the packet and was shouting to my nephew, ‘are you sure you are a small’ and then ‘no, I am sure you are a medium’. I wondered why my nephew was hiding in the dressing room. He said he is never shopping with me again and to top it all off he said I was wearing a very revealing top. So now, my nephews are vetting my clothes and will not let me out the house if any bits of skin are falling out my clothes. They said they are tired of being my bodyguards and that if I dress like that, I must accept being stared at. It’s so much fun having three more fathers in my life, I might have to sneak out the house now and climb over my wall. If anyone tells me ‘no’ I will go and do it, and do it again just to make sure. Then I learn my lesson the hard way.
My nephews actually do need more underpants and if they had been listening to me they need a medium. However, they have emphatically told my mother that ‘Aunty’ is not going with them, ever and I also talk too much to the sales assistant and by the time I leave the shop I know where the assistant lives and how many children they have.
Another thing is that I cannot whisper as I am so used to talking to my dad who is deaf. My mom keeps saying to me that I must shut up because the whole of Borrowdale can hear me talking. I also embarrassed a very special friend of mine, by whispering in her ear about a man who massages her. She said I sounded like a foghorn in her ear and I am now banned from whispering or passing on secrets in public.
So I have to accept the fact, no-one will shop with me. My wardrobe is also under investigation and my nephews will take anything that is slightly revealing on me. This scares me a bit because this means all my clothes will be binned. I think I will go look for ‘turtle’ neck tops and make everyone happy.
When I am in Dubai, I do not shop for clothes or shoes as they are horrendously expensive, however I did think I could use a hairdresser. Well this lesson I learnt the hard way. I went to the hairdresser for a colour, I paid a stupid amount for it and it was a disaster. I ended up bright orange. All night I kept on waking up my husband and saying ‘I need a hairdresser urgently’ to which he would reply very patiently ‘lovie its 3am you won’t find a hairdresser’. Just before we got to a new hairdresser, in the morning at a reasonable hour, there was a lady standing ordering coffee and her hair was a beautiful colour. I said to my husband ‘Please go ask her what colour she uses in her hair’, we then had a fight about it as he would not ask her. Eventually he had to go to her, because I was threatening to undress in the mall if he did not do as he was told! When he asked this woman, she was very confused and probably thought it was the worst chat up line she has ever heard. ‘Excuse me ma’am, what is the name of the colour in your hair because my wife loves it’. After the whole hairdresser shop laughed at my hair, he fixed it at a stupid price. My husband has also banned me from having my hair cut in Dubai because he said he cannot take the drama and with the money we paid to hairdressers I could have bought a laptop. My husband also insists I travel with my mother, as a caregiver, as he says he cannot handle me and my drama and is scared to leave me alone in case I just wander off somewhere.
My mom is actually not that keen to look after me either. I am looking for volunteers, but think you should read the below story before you say ‘yes’. The babysitter will require a dart gun which is being sourced as we speak by my husband.
My mom flew on Emirates with me. I had broken my finger and had to have strong painkillers before going on the plane. My mom was not seated next to me, she was behind me. On the other side of the aisle was a man wearing very short shorts. I shouted to my mom, ‘hey mom, this dude has shorty shorts on and slops’. My mom pretended she was not with me. I then decided I needed to eat and I had to eat immediately. When I found the food trolley it was 5 rows ahead of me and the air hostess was being chatted up by a young man. I had had enough of waiting, so I stood up and shouted ‘please stop flirting with the air hostess, I am hungry and I need a coke’. Well they stopped flirting and I got my food quickly after that. By this stage the gentleman next to me, decided it would be better if my mom sat next to me. So they swopped seats.
Unfortunately for Mr. Shorty Shorts man he decided he was getting something from the overhead locker. While he was in the act of retrieving it, I said (shouted) to my mom ‘oh my gosh can you see this man with the shorts, well everything is hanging out, why does he wear them’ (and I pointed to make sure my mom was looking at the right man). As I lack the ability to whisper, everything was said in a loud voice and the whole plane could hear me, probably the pilot as well. My mom got her blanket and put it right over her head and pretended she did not know me.
As we came in to land, the air hostess wanted me to give my blanket back. I was cold and therefore in my mind, it was my blanket and I was not giving it back without a fight. The air hostess and I then played tug of war with the blanket, all the time with me shouting ‘I’m cold’. Eventually my mother grabbed my blanket and threw it at the air hostess. I was so upset and now my mind was beyond any logic or reasoning.
As if I had not drawn enough attention to myself, I walked onto the bus that takes you to the airport. It is like a 45 minute drive. While on the bus I fell asleep on my feet. When the bus turned I fell straight onto a young man and I continued to sleep, dribble, snore and cuddle him. The man got me with two fingers and tried to push me off. The more he pushed me off, the more I wanted to cuddle him. My mom was still pretending she did not know me, she left me drooling on and cuddling an unknown man. His million dollar suit now has my drool on it.
When we arrived at the luggage pick-up point we got our luggage and my mom again disowned me and went and found my husband. By this time, my lip was bleeding and so was my finger. As I walked past customs I fell over. My trousers went to my ankles and my top went over my head. The customs men did not move as they were totally amazed at what they were looking at – I was wearing matching underwear. I managed to get up, pull my trousers up, push my top down and carry on looking for my husband. I then saw my husband and started shouting ‘yoo hoo, yoo hoo’. My husband turned and started walking to his car with my mom. When we got to the car I was so upset he had not said hello to me. He then said ‘You, home, now’. Needless to say my mom will not fly with me again and I am very surprised Emirates did not ban me.
After that whole debacle on the plane, I was sent to a psychiatrist and given zombie tablets just in case that happens again. My mom keeps them and if I start my nonsense she just throws them in my mouth as I talk.
So that is the reason why my husband will not have me in his apartment without a babysitter. Personally I think everyone is overreacting and it is ‘much ado about nothing’, if you ask me. The painkillers that helped me embarrass myself are locked in a secure safe, the whereabouts of I do not know. A dart gun is being purchased as I speak and a massive lock is on the Dubai apartment so I cannot wander out in my pyjamas.
I have full recollection of what I did and am not worried about it. It really does not bother me and should anyone want some entertainment you are welcome to take me with you. I am looking for a patient, strong baby sitter, sense of humour is definitely a requirement.