By Janine Milliken

I have managed to totally exasperate and confuse William, the clever man who oversees this site, ‘cyberstudeo’. Using my intelligence and wisdom I have opened three accounts, changed the password, changed the password back again and have no idea and no recollection of ‘why’ I did it or ‘how’ I did it. William asked me to change it back and I said to him that it is possible in an alternative universe, but not right now on planet earth as I do not know how I did it, so therefore, I cannot change it back. However, I am a genius nevertheless.

I am being driven crazy with all this money fiasco happening in Zimbabwe. I have no idea what is going on or what RTGS money is. It might be like that cyber money, where there’s no back-up behind it, no assets, the valuation is made up and you throwing your money into a toilet. However, I am not saying cyber money is wrong, I am just saying I do not understand it and I am totally confused by the whole set up. I have been brought up where you must have assets behind you and you should carry cash in your pockets. I do not want anyone educating me on cyber money, I will just remain confused, in my bubble and let the world carry on around me. I am the daughter of an extremely clever Accountant, which at times has been extremely annoying, however he has taught me lots and I am old fashioned when it comes to money.

Talking of present day now - my doctor has advised I go to gym regularly. Now I do have about 10 Doctors that look after me, so cannot remember which one. I have the most amazing gym clothes in my cupboard, thanks to Mr Price Sports, which have rarely been worn and they have been sitting in my cupboard looking very impressive. At the same time I purchased my gym clothes, I decided I was not a gym person and never would be, but it was fun buying the clothes, using my husband's credit card.

I have a very short attention span and the treadmill or spinning has to be two of the most boring exercises ever. So in order to stop beating myself up about being fit, I just decided I am not a gym bunny, exercise person although I do wear my gym gear from time to time just to keep up appearances and confuse everyone. Does she go to gym? or does she not? Especially walking around the Borrowdale village, early morning in my gym clothes and I am sure it looks like I have ‘my ducks in the row’, but truthfully, I lost my ducks a long time ago, I have also lost my trolley and my perch and truthfully I have just stepped out of my bed.

I am a hazard to myself and others who stand within 2 meters of me at gym. My friends who are gym fanatics usually stand and laugh at me because they cannot believe half the things I do, or not do. I managed to do some aerobic classes, spinning, kickboxing, weights, treadmill, cross fit, step, Zumba, yoga, pilates etc. (oh I have done everything). During one session of aerobic I stood next to a pole. I am not sure if I was a stripper/dancer in my past life because this pole was just calling out to me and I felt at home with this pole on top of me. The whole aerobic session involved me walking, running, tripping into the pole, although I knew it was there. This pole has mirrors on it so after every session the maintenance man would clean my lipstick, mascara, eyeliner and nose marks off the pole. Oh yes, forgot to mention, I wear make-up to gym.

One bright, sunny day I was on the treadmill, with weights in my hands, trying to run faster than the person beside me and counting the minutes down to when I could stop, collapse and find my breath again. In front of me are big windows so you feel like you are on display as everyone can look into the big windows from below you (gym is on 1st floor) and think how gym people are so ‘disciplined’(at Borrowdale village). The part I am getting to, is that I was holding two little weights in my hands, looking like a gym fanatic, with my make-up, brand new gym gear, my nike takkies (that do not get dirty, trust me on this one) and swearing under my breath. My treadmill was going far too fast for my short legs, I was holding little weights and could not change the speed on the treadmill. Then it happened. One of my weights slipped out my hand, shot through the open window and ended up downstairs outside the Pizza shop, thankfully not hitting anyone on the way down. Had it hit someone, I am sure they would have had a ‘God’s must be crazy’ moment. When I saw my weight shoot out the window I quickly ducked by my treadmill so everyone downstairs could not see me. I then leopard crawled to the weight station and put my other weight down. I then leopard crawled back to the treadmill, switched it off while lying on the floor, crawled to the aerobic section and then made an appearance again.

My little weight had now caused a commotion with everyone downstairs and I could not collect the weight. Should the manager of the gym read this, I admit to throwing your weight out the window and making it go AWOL. I did read the rules and regulations of the gym and nothing was said about throwing weights out of the window. Should the gym manager want to see me, I will explain to him I was doing an experiment to see if the gym was a safe place. It is not safe. I notice the windows are now closed by the treadmills. Everyone can thank me later for my extreme research into gym safety. Also, I have some complaints to the gym manager, firstly who puts a pole in the middle of the aerobic room, secondly why are they allowing me into gym?

I have now thought about this and, yes, I will convene a meeting with the Manager and I should be given free gym sessions, with a trainer of my choice (the young dude with abs), as I am an extremely good researcher on ‘what can go wrong?’ and 'do not do this at home'
My gym days are now over and I am so much happier, having concluded that I cannot possibly enter a gym again. Also I am really worried that if I do go back to gym I might actually get TOO sexy and that would be unfair to everyone.


Beautifully Broken

Beautifully Broken
by Janine Milliken
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