Reflecting on my life and my current headspace - I wonder if my heart always beat to a hippie tune. I don’t think so; actually, I know it didn’t. I think its good to reflect on your life’s journey because that is the essence of who you are – this might be an age thing, but that's okay too.
Growing up it was drummed into us that the sensible way to live our life is to always do your absolute best at whatever you are doing – even if it is sweeping the streets. To ensure that your word is your bond and that it could practically be taken to the bank. A handshake sealed most deals and was binding. A time of innocence where children played in the street till it was dark, where you could walk alone after dark without the stranger danger thing.
I didn't have a very close relationship with my father, but he WAS a presence while growing up, and I can always remember him working – every day. Strong work ethics were just a way of life then, and it's one thing that my siblings and I are good at – hard work. We also lived in the era that it was expected for a woman to start working at the bank when you completed your schooling … Lo and behold, that is what I did. Bank Clerk Sandy at your service ….
Many years have passed from that time to today, and I think I have discovered that I have a Searching Heart. Someone once said to me that I am "In a hurry going nowhere", and I didn't understand what they meant, but I think I do now (well, a little bit anyway).
Looking back I think I have wasted a lot of years on insignificant things and putting who I am on the back burner for the ‘greater good', but in hindsight was doing myself such a disservice. I didn’t realise that I was better than that or deserved better or even wanted better. During the darkest days of my life a couple of years ago, I was doing some serious soul searching and trying to find some answers that were specific to me. I came to understand that not everybody will like me, not everybody will be by my side or have my back, not everybody will be right and me wrong, not everybody has my best interests at heart, that I cannot please everybody and with that realization, came the shock that I did not even know who I was or what I wanted. Quite frankly I was conforming and lost, very lost, as a person.
Evaluating my choices came down to either stay with the known and the comfortable or to take a leap of faith, believe in myself and trust that I could become more. This was no easy decision, and this evaluation went on for six years before I managed to talk myself into making The Final Decision.
I took the road less travelled, and trust me, it has not been an easy road by any means. It has taken me a long time to get to this stage –5 years from my momentous decision. Five years of trusting in my ethos and abilities, of establishing a new life for myself, of moving to two countries in separate continents, of learning to trust my instincts, of hard work, of absolute dedication to reaching my end goal regardless of the challenges that were thrown my way and five years away from my family and friends.
Five years seems to be such a long time but in the big scheme of things – a short portion of my life.
Then one day the strangest thing happened – I discovered that I knew who I was, what I wanted, what I believe, what I can do, that I can trust in myself, and that I don’t need anyone to save me because I saved myself five years ago – AND I LIKE WHO I AM.
There are still so many things I want to do, so many places I want to visit and so many people I want to meet along my life's journey. I am working hard to secure my future so that it is comfortable and to achieve the goals I have set myself. This in itself is an oxymoron as I can't seem to shake off the need to be sensible and responsible versus having a hippie's heart and being a wannabe wanderer. This is okay too, and I accept that these are opposite sides of the coin but, I CAN be both as this is my journey and this is ME. I CAN be who or what I want to be. I CAN have a soft heart, a soft touch and empathy for all living creatures great and small.
So, as I look to my future, I am firstly thankful – thankful that I was given the ability to travel this road. Grateful for good and the bad times as they shaped me as a person. Thankful for my family and friends for understanding and loving me even though they may not always understand my choices.
The most important thing in my life is the legacy that I leave and what I leave behind are two absolutely amazing human beings that I get to call my sons, and if I am ever measured by the men that they have become, then I have received all my life’s Blessings right there. They know that for them – I will kill da bull.
The only sure thing in life is that we all die. I know my time will come and the best that I can hope for is that some people will remember me with a smile, a twinkle in their eye and with fondness in their heart. I have already made my mark in this world through my sons and their families, but if I could leave one sentiment with them, it would be: You are never too old to change your life or to live the life you want and deserve. I love you boys with all of my heart.